Who would we be if we decentred romantic love?
A psychotherapist discusses exuding love for all, instead of reserving it for one other
Ramadan Mubarak! This week I’m handing over to Sonam, a psychotherapist you might have met at last January’s Brown Bodies Live! event in Toronto. We recently caught up in London over copious amounts of chai when some of this piece was born.
Excitingly, Sonam will be joining me on the sofa again on the 16th April at our next Brown Bodies Live! in Toronto. The downtown location will be announced soon but tickets are on sale now!
Over to Sonam.
Hi!
I am Sonam, a registered psychotherapist and founder of Shifting Your State. But, more importantly, just another human gracing this planet. I’m pleased to be able to takeover Brown Bodies, and I hope it encompasses all that it is that you want to read today, and more.
Women have been conditioned to center every aspect of their lives around ‘love’. As South Asian women we’re often programmed to center our lives around love and marriage. I wonder how deeply ingrained it is in our psyche? How we would be if we completely removed the prerequisite of finding romantic love from our lives? How would we move differently in the world? I can tell you how I would and I’ll share some of the experiences that my clients have expressed to me.
I remember speaking to a young woman in her early 20s who was doing well in her career, who ‘knew’ that her next step in life had to be marriage. I understood. Growing up there was always this looming timeline that I subconsciously put on myself to get married. When I dated, that was always the end goal. But how can there be an end goal to love? Why didn’t I learn that there is no end goal in love?
This same young woman expressed lacking fulfilment. She had yet to accomplish it ‘all’ — ‘all’ meaning she hadn’t found a long term partner. I wondered how deeply that diminished her confidence, her feeling proud of herself, of being unable to celebrate her wins to date.
I was taught, and am still programmed this way, to seek love outside of myself to be fulfilled. As if I am not enough, as if my wins aren’t enough. I was taught I need a constant partnership to succeed, or to be seen as successful.
Sometimes I wonder if I can identify myself outside of a desire for a relationship. I wonder how it would feel to be sufficient as is. Or to feel loved enough in the non romantic relationships I have. Anisah said to me once, ‘I proper love my friends,’ in her polished accent, referring specifically to her longtime girlfriends. I felt it deeply. There’s something about speaking to girlfriends that I don’t know if a man could really ever understand. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way — I truly mean there’s something about our biology, our relationships with our bodies, and the way our brains process information that only another woman can understand. Those conversations between women are fulfilling.
I am doing some deep restorative work to my brain to decenter romantic love, to unlearn the programming. My life’s work is to notice the love I have — in every pocket, every opportunity, every moment — to counter the idea that there is a lack of it. It requires a huge mindset change, maybe more than I am willing to admit out loud.
Doing the work
It’s not easy to unlearn such deeply engrained messaging. Our brains might be shaped by trauma: ancestral trauma, generational trauma… you name it. When we begin shifting our mental states — no matter whether it’s about decentering love or anything else — our brains are wired to protect us. As a result, we begin unconsciously, or subconsciously, to act from a place of fear instead of love. If you’re on this journey, or thinking about it, know that the work requires a deep understanding of self compassion because there needs to be room to for all the emotions you can think of. To support your mind notice when you disconnect with someone, or something, because of a need to protect yourself. Or when an anxious feeling arises. Those are feelings that fall under the umbrella of fear. Just take note of it. Name it. It lets your body know you acknowledge it trying to protect you. Also notice when you feel you need someone. Maybe you want to reach out to the past or approach someone new. What’s that feeling telling you? Is it a feeling of lack? You lack something, and you’ve been told that you are incomplete without it. It’s almost as if you perceive yourself in a net negative state without romantic love. And your brain continues to seek it out to build you up.
The problem is often how we see ourselves — us at our essence is not the problem. Our brains listen to how we speak about ourselves and work to protect us based on what it’s hearing. Notice how you feel if you tell yourself, ‘I’m good as I am actually and I’m able to feel love fully and be in a state of love without a romantic partner’. Tell your brain to notice how you feel when you intentionally move in a loving state, paying attention to the love you already have and giving it those already in your life. That understanding, that self talking to, is how you dampen the fear and bring yourself back to safety.
Once we begin to see ourselves as whole, and are able to exude love for all instead of reserving it for another, we begin to seek more and more opportunities for love with friends and family, and to enjoy life’s experiences. The work helps us find a deep compassion for ourselves. And a deep understanding that romantic love was never going to fulfil all of our needs anyway.
If you are in a romantic relationship this work is still for you. It doesn’t mean you’ll automatically stop caring for your partner or ‘decenter them’ (lol. Imagine?). What should happen is you’ll most likely be able to receive their actions, and behaviour from a deeper place of love. You’ll be able to understand that they’re not your everything, and that they’re not responsible for cheering you up or for your happiness. It will give you the space to grow into your best self. And it will give them the ability to give you that space. It will remove pressure from everyone and increase gratitude for everything that is received within the relationship.
And it’s not just about us as women. Our change of focus can help the men in our lives understand the lens from which we’ve been conditioned to operate. Imagine, what would that change for them and the expectations placed on them? And, in turn, the expectations they place on us.
I had a man come see me who felt it was his responsibility in his marriage to ensure his wife’s happiness. But really, how could he? You can’t control people’s emotions. Overall, I think men would be better off to make their goal to understand: where is their partner operating from, what needs do they have that can/can’t be fulfilled by them, etc. The continuous goal should be to understand, instead of feeling responsible for our condition. They’d be far less likely to take emotions as a personal attack on them, but another opportunity to deeper understand the person they love. Both partners are on an internal journey which they can accompany each other on, but not be the pilot for. From what I see, relationships that ensure there is space for one another to grow in love that isn’t just romantic really thrive longterm.
The people we choose to hold around us can remind us that we’ve always been whole — their arrival didn’t complete us, it gave us another opportunity to see that we were always enough.
All in all, I want to remind you, and remind me, that in every waking moment, you are enough. You really are. Centering a need for romantic love, like it’s another tick box goal, will likely lead you to feel less than. There’s so much love to be felt and noticed around you, and while your brain might have been programmed to see otherwise, you can change this wiring at any time. And while it’s great to work on yourself, ask yourself if the intention is coming from a feeling of lack or a place of deep love for yourself.