My in-laws are my roommates

Here's the good, the bad and the ugly.

For those of you who know me, you’ll know this is a topic very close my heart. I’ve wanted someone to write about it for SO long. When Mehek floated this as an idea, I nearly bit her head off!

Mehek has more opinions than she knows what to do with so she writes to give those opinions a home. A former law student turned creative, she’s a storyteller who writes, directs and somehow manages to get her daily fibre. She’s also the reason I am now an Owala girlie and can take back camera selfies on 0.5 — AKA she’s my Gen Z coach. She’s directing her first short film this November. I’ve read the script and am absolutely buzzing to see it come to life — you can support her efforts by contributing to the crowdfund here (there’s a cute pack of stickers as one of the crowdfund rewards…). I’m going to shut up now and handover to Mehek before I curry your opinion in any which way!

Mehek in her director era

Let’s be honest, the phrase ‘living with your in-laws’ rarely sparks joy. It conjures up images of unsolicited advice, awkward silences, and the occasional territorial dispute over fridge space. But for me it was a practical, even strategic, decision — one that came with unexpected silver linings.

Now, to be completely transparent, living with in-laws would not have been my first choice but (record scratch, freeze frame), yep! That’s me. So you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. The answer involves a mix of practical and personal reasons, with a sprinkle of ‘life doesn’t always go to plan.’

For starters, my husband and I got married fairly young, at the perplexing ages of 24 and 23. Only two years out of university, we weren’t in a position to buy a house — the average age of a first time buyer in the UK is 32, by the way! — or rent somewhere that would allow us to save meaningfully. I was only earning £21k a year which, as anyone living in London knows, does not get you very far. While I come from a middle-class Pakistani family, my husband grew up largely working class and was responsible for financially maintaining his family alongside his mother, who had pretty much been the sole earner throughout his life. On top of it all, my husband has caring responsibilities towards his elderly dad, which is something I personally sympathise with as someone with a disabled parent. Long story short, money was tight.

Before we got married, we had an honest conversation about what aspects of our lives we were willing to put on pause versus what we wanted to prioritise. Would it have been nice to spend the first year living alone? Absolutely. Did it feel financially smart to spend half our incomes on rent? Probably not. So, we chose to live within our means. Maybe not the most glamorous decision, but definitely the most pragmatic.

Our setup is pretty ideal. We’ve got the entire upstairs to ourselves, a cosy little lounge, our own bathroom and just the kitchen to share. Not exactly the stuff of newlywed movies, but it works. Four years on, we’re still here. Living with in-laws is by no means smooth sailing, and it’s an experience that has taught me far more than I expected. From patience, recognising privilege, reinstating boundaries, and the delicate art of coexisting under one roof, it’s been a crash course in compromise and finding small pockets of independence within shared space.

I will say that before I moved in, I made it very clear what my personal boundaries were, who I was as a person, how I had no intention of being relegated to house-staff (which is common in Desi households), and that I would not tolerate people prying into my personal life and decisions. I think the level of firm transparency from me and the willingness to listen from their side set a positive tone for our current living situation.

Now, I also know how important it is to maintain my independence and I work hard at it — whether it’s financial autonomy, time with friends, or personal hobbies, my small acts of individuality go a long way. Plus, they keep me sane!

The Good

For many, living with your in-laws could not be a more terrifying pursuit but it has a tonne of benefits that I didn’t initially forecast. Starting off with the most obvious: the financial privilege of living with family cannot be understated. With the house being mortgage-free, we only contribute to its general upkeep. Whilst my husband manages the bulk of costs, the extent of my contributions (besides being great weeknight entertainment) is buying some groceries and cooking a few times a week. It’s important to note that our arrangement is not that rigid, and we all pick up our weight around the house as and when it’s needed, which feels like a fair balance to strike being part of the same household.

Not only have we been able to save considerably, we’ve also got disposable cash that has given us the opportunity to travel, indulge in experiences, see friends regularly, use our adult money for silly things like an overpriced Catan board…

It’s undeniable that when you tie yourself down to something as weighty as a mortgage, the room for financial risk is slim to none. Granted, you have a solid long-term asset, but it comes at a cost. Living with my in-laws has given us the financial privilege to pursue our dreams. My husband has set up a successful business, whilst I’ve been able to build myself a (now) comfortable creative career. We’ve both been able to realise our passions, almost unreservedly.

Another benefit to living with in-laws has been the shared household responsibilities. My mother-in-law and I share cooking responsibilities; she cooks three to four times a week and I the other days. One of the hardest things about adulting is consistently having to brainstorm new ideas on what to cook, so I can’t tell you how much having a freshly cooked meal once I’m back from work is appreciated. With this arrangement, I also have scope to also be really experimental with my cooking and not feel like it’s an agitating chore or expectation — plus, I’ve managed to get my desi mother-in-law eating orzo and focaccia! On top of that, if any of us are hosting family or friends, it’s a one-man, two-woman dream team (three when my sister in-law is over). My partner handles all the washing!

All the other basics apply: clean up after yourself and be considerate.

Then there’s health. We have round-the-clock care if any of us get sick and have people on hand to run errands. My husband deals with all of my father-in-law’s appointments. Hearing from friends who have lived with in-laws during pregnancy or the first few weeks after giving birth, many have expressed gratitude for the support, the ability to sleep a few extra hours and not think about the more tedious parts of managing your household. Of course, many do also report a plethora of drawbacks but that stuff is for the next section!

Lastly, provided your in-laws are pretty chill, not largely unpleasant and give you your space, it’s nice to have a lively household. Nephews and nieces visiting every Friday, someone humming away in the kitchen, late-night conversations, and many more tender moments.

The Bad

Now, there are some notorious drawbacks.

Let’s get the big one out of the way. Having sex can be awkward. Believe me, hearing your husband’s childhood nickname being shouted from the bottom of the staircase during an intimate moment is a complete mood killer. The constant fear of ‘will they hear us?’ means wee try to stay quiet, are constantly scheduling, or waiting until the whole house is asleep. The constant caution can sometimes make intimacy feel restricted and a little unnatural. Understandably, this is a big deal. There is no doubt that living with in-laws is a bit of a turn-off and it can restrict the early evolution of your marital intimacy.

Now, we do have ways around it: from the occasional cheeky hotel trip, to getting a little creative with ascertaining the perfect time to risk a midday sesh, and constant communication. We’ve managed to navigate this particular part of living with in-laws pretty well.

On the other side of intimacy are the not so tender moments of marriage. Yes, people bicker. Shit hits the fan sometimes and — provided everyone’s behaviour is within appropriate parameters — this is completely normal. We’re no different. But living with in-laws means we’re in a constant state of performing like everything is okay. Purely to make sure no parties feel uncomfortable — and ensure no one else gets involved. No matter how wonderful your in-laws are, there’s always a risk of underlying biases which can just further exacerbate a personal matter between partners.

Which brings me on to my natural frustrations. In-laws are kind of like roommates really — but ones that you can’t call out or passively text on the group chat if they’ve stolen that last cookie you were really looking forward to, or misplaced that expensive olive oil you bought from Spain (maybe a little too specific). There’s a relationship to maintain and that goes both ways, but we’re still human beings and natural frustrations build the more you occupy each other’s space.

I believe a good partner has a big role to play here; to be cognisant of frustrations felt by their partner and parents, and fuel healthy discussions between all parties to maintain peace in the home. Since they know both sides best, they are best placed to initiate those conversations and make sure the needs and frustrations (which are inevitable) are being understood. Once that foundation is set, it facilitates a space for all parties to bring their issues directly to one other in a healthy and comfortable manner.

In the best cases, issues are nipped in the bud there and then, instead of brewing until relationships become strained and resentment sets in.

Living with in-laws is really down to the personality of all parties involved and what they’re willing to compromise on, and how respectful they are of each other’s boundaries. The tough reality is, in most cases, the partner moving in has to give and give, and that is not fair, particularly when you’re moving into a house that has its deep-set conventions and quirks.

The Ugly

It would be disingenuous not to mention that my husband and I will not live here forever. No matter how wonderful my in-laws are, there are also important financial safeguards I believe are necessary to have in place, and there is one particular topic I don’t think is discussed enough: inheritance.

When a couple lives in a home owned solely by the husband’s parents, it might seem like a sensible arrangement at first: no rent, shared costs, and a chance to save. But over time, it can become a financial trap, particularly for the woman. She may find herself contributing emotionally and practically to a household she has no legal claim to. The home, after all, remains an asset tied to the parents, not the couple. And when the inevitable moment of inheritance arrives, that property is often divided between siblings. Suddenly, the years spent living there don’t translate into stability or security. She walks away with no concrete asset to her name, while her husband and his siblings navigate the awkward process of dividing something that’s never really belonged to them either.

It’s a messy, emotionally charged situation, and because most families avoid frank conversations about inheritance, these tensions often fester until they erupt into disputes. What started as a temporary living arrangement can morph into long-term uncertainty, blurring the line between practicality and dependency. This is something I would personally want to avoid as I’ve seen it happen within extended family circles. It’s unpleasant for them, and me — so my husband and I have been clear to set expectations that we will eventually move out, which everyone is on board with.

Finally, living with in-laws can and often does damage relationships. I can appreciate that my set-up may seem slightly unusual, and whilst we’ve had our fair share of disagreements, we’ve been able to resolve them. For some, and for whatever reasons, it’s just not possible, and why risk souring such important relations?

Accepting if it doesn’t work

If you’re living, have lived or are planning to live with your in-laws, you have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, despite best efforts, it just doesn’t work — and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Living with in-laws can expose differences in values, habits, and expectations that no amount of goodwill can fix. Recognising when the arrangement has become unhealthy or unsustainable is not failure; it’s maturity. Knowing when to step back protects not only your peace but is also better for maintaining those relationships between both parties in the long run.

Living with in-laws is a unique blend of chaos, comfort, and compromise. It can be deeply rewarding or quietly suffocating, sometimes both in the same week. My experience has been a mix of luck, boundaries, and sheer adaptability. It’s not the path I imagined, but it’s one that’s shaped me in unexpected ways.