I’ve hit my lap limit at the Gurdwara
A recap of Brown Bodies Live! With Sachin ‘Sunny’ Maheshi
‘You should interview my friend Sunny,’ Sonam says to me over our third cup of chai at Dishoom, Carnaby Street. She’s in town from Toronto, and I’ve just told her I’m secretly planning a move to her side of the pond.
Sonam, our in-house therapist, is one of those people who just gets what I’m trying to do with Brown Bodies, and so I trust her recommendations implicitly.
Two months later — and two weeks into me living in her city — we’re both sat, hehe haha-ing the evening away, alongside Sunny and a room of 30 people.
Sunny is a retired engineer turned actor. If you’ve watched Crave’s Late Bloomer — the brainchild of Youtuber and comedian Jus Reign — then you will recognise him as the character Sunny (yes, the same name): the always funny, new friend turned bestie, fingers in all the pies introduced to us in episode one as the person trying to (misguidedly) save Jasmeet from the shame of having his nudes leaked.
I was told real life Sunny comes with years of lived experience and many failed relationships, including two marriages and two divorces — and that he is hella open about it all to save the rest of us from… chaos? Days after interviewing him I also found out he owns a perfume brand called Champagne Socialist. It’s tagline? Smell rich, eat the rich. My biggest take away about Sunny though? He’s just naturally funny. I’m pretty good at holding my own in a chat, but moments with him definitely caught me off guard. I’m not ashamed to say I lost it a couple of time and might have snorted out some chai at one point… Hopefully, I’ve managed to capture some of that below.
Like all Brown Bodies events, the majority of the conversation was under Chatham House rules. But here are some of the things we discussed (and our speaker allowed us to share!):
What’s your cultural background?
I am half Sikh on my mother’s side, half Hindu on my father’s. But because my dad passed away when I was really young, I grew up more Sikh. I remember going to a wedding at a [Hindu] Mandir when I was really young and this guy, who wasn’t Indian or Hindu, leaned over and whisper-asked me, ‘What are they doing!?’ expecting me to have some kind of insight. I squinted over the rows in front of me and studied what was going on, leaned back and replied, ‘I don’t know!’
So yeah, I grew up mostly Sikh even though we do practice both religions. I’ve been told that cross religious arranged marriages were a bit odd in India back when my parents got married. But they were both Rajput and I’ve been told [the Rajputs] do that more often as the class system can outweigh religion.
How did you learn about sex growing up? Were you getting any messaging about it at home?
I didn’t have a dad and grew up with just my mum so, for our home, sex didn’t exist. Me and everyone on the block were immaculate conceptions. We’d just see a stalk flying in…
I learnt about sex from popular culture, films, TV, and my mama (uncle) who is only 5 or 6 years older than me. Porn didn’t really exist when I was growing up so I was lucky to not have to learn like that.
It’s interesting that I don’t think it’s changed much now. My friends who have kids don’t know how to approach these conversations because they weren’t approached with these conversations. So everyone is a bit stand off-ish when it comes down to it.
You’ve been married twice, divorced twice — are you now off the hook, pressure wise from family, because you’ve done the thing (marriage not sex, but I guess that too)?
The Gurdwara has an eight lap limit, so I’ve hit it!
[Anisah’s note: Sikh marriage ceremonies are called Anand Karaj. A main part of the ceremony sees the couple, led by the groom, take four laps around their Holy book, the Guru Granth Sahib, while four sacred marriage hymns — which are also vows, each outlining a different part of the marriage journey — are recited, one hymn per circumvolution. These are known as Lavaan. And no, there isn’t a cap on number of divorces/monogamous marriages].
From my mum, the pressure to get married is definitely off, it’s totally gone. Nothing like it was in my thirties. But she would like me to have a partner. For companionship. But I’d never tell her or the family if I did meet someone, because that’s when it can’t help but slip into the marriage chat.
Look, from 17 to 49, I’ve only been single for three years. After two divorces, I’d also be stupid to try again. Plus, I enjoy, and have got used to, being by myself now. If I met someone now they would need to enjoy their independence too. I’m not living with anyone else again. I do too many things now a certain way. Like, I like when we spend time and then they go home to their own place!
My advice is: If you’re experiencing pressure, just wait your parents out. Once they’re on five prescription pills, they won’t care about you anymore!
Late Bloomer season 3 is coming out. I loved that the first two seasons really interrogated love and relationships from a bunch of angles that feel rooted in the modern day diaspora experience. We love East is East and Goodness Gracious Me as formative comedies in our cultures, but this feels… of now?
Sunny: Right. A lot of us hang around at home a lot later than other communities in Canada. After school, after university, until marriage or even beyond. So we might be considered late bloomers as a community but is it actually blooming late? Or are we just doing things in our own time? Like, in the show, Jasmeet approaches the world and his work differently than if he was fresh out of home at 18. I think the show is really good at showing that just because you didn’t do something by X age, you’re a failure. A lot of people in our communities, and beyond, have this weird thing where they think they’re running out of time to do this or that. Or don’t have enough time to do the other. They want to have sex by this time, get married by that time, kids by this age, etc. But life isn’t like that. I didn’t think that I’d be divorced twice, no kids in my forties. But here I am and I’m loving it. We’re all just blooming at our own time.
Sonam, therapist: Sometimes, you put yourself on a timeline, even without realising it. Then all your experiences are dictated by this timeline. And you’re constantly in this anxious state to meet those deadlines. Who said you have to do things at a certain time? Are we even ready for this thing we’ve put a timeline on. We all need to deeply interrogate what it is we want and why. Like do you actually want it? Do you know you have the choice to not want it? I say that seriously. We have the choice to do things not just because that’s what we always expected we would do.
Someone from the audience has asked, do you hold any universal truths about love?
Hell yeah.
It’s easy to love someone when things are going good. But you have to make the decision to love them all the time, through the hard. That’s the real bit.
You’re never going to find someone who is perfect. Ever. You’re also not perfect. They’re all going to have four or five things you think are bullshit and you’re going to want to change, but don’t change them. Or that is no longer the person you fell for or married. Plus, if you think that if you change those things about that person they’d be the one, you’re with the wrong person.
Find the person whose bullshit you can deal with. And they can deal with yours.
Just be kind.
Sometimes, just let them have it. You don’t have to fight someone on everything.
A huge thank you to Sunny for joining us for Brown Bodies Live! I’m so grateful for your time, openness, spiciness, and ridiculous sense of humour — and for making me explain the fertile window to the room!
And thank you to Sonam for being a voice of insight and wisdom as always.
If you’d like to come to the next event, keep an eye out on brownbodies.co/events.
If you’d like to collab on an event, have an idea, or a dream guest, drop me a note anisah@brownbodies.co.