I launched Brown Bodies as my 30th birthday gift to myself a whole year ago. It felt like the scariest thing I’d ever done in lots of ways. In lots of ways, that feeling still remains but it’s also been the thing over the last year that has burnt a fire inside of me again to write, to create, to build, to bring together, to laugh and to learn. I started it to serve my community but Brown Bodies has served me: it has given me space to love, to grieve, to process and it has brought new (and renewed) deep and meaningful relationships to my door. Although I may not have been as consistent writing as I wanted to be in my first year, I have gained more than I ever hoped I would with it. So, thank you. I love you.
Writing — both publicly and privately (big up morning pages) — has made me so much more confident, self-aware and communicative in all of my relationships since this time last year. I thought I was all of those things already. It got me remembering turning 21 a decade ago (bloody hell) and thinking that I was finally grown and had become the woman I was meant to be living the life I had dreamt of — which meant spending my 21st at Harry Potter World drinking Butterbeer, obvs. There’s so much I wish I could tell that girl. I just wish I could give her a hug her and pass on just a few (ahem) words of wisdom, especially when it comes to love and sex:
Your era hasn’t even begun to begin. Literally, go and have fun. Make the choices you want and not the ones you think others want you to make. Your faith is yours and not up for public debate. Your body is yours and definitely not up for public debate. What you do with your body is your choice and (you guessed it!) not up for public debate. Love hard. Even when it breaks you. Talk to everyone about sex. Write sooner, it will change your life. Oh, and I beg you to please just breathe and stop taking yourself too seriously. Oh oh andddd…please don’t watch Bridgerton with Ma.
I asked a whole bunch of people wished they’d known at 21 (and guilted them into replying by saying it was my birthday present). Here’s what they wish they’d known or could tell themselves:
What do you wish you’d known at 21 about love and sex?
🧡 I wish I’d known how messy it is… No one told me about the drip drip after sex 🤣.
- Anonymous
🧡 I wish I'd known that love is more than the first flush of excitement. It can grow into a deep connection with your partner, it brings with it respect and understanding, loyalty and friendship. It helps overcome crises that may occur during your journey whether that’s through poor health, bereavement of a friend or family member, financial hardship. It helps you make the difficult decisions in life together. It is beautiful.
- Naazneen Osman Britton (my wonderful Madre. Read her guest post below)
🧡 I wish I’d known what actual deep mutual attraction was rather than being under the assumption that two people liking each other is what makes a meaningful relationship.
- Mitul
🧡 Your partner should be a complement to your journey in life, someone who is a cheerleader for whatever tasks and challenges you want to take on, your lives are different and can go on different paths but you’re there for each other and ultimately build a home together knowing that you’re living life for yourself, as a first, but having them be your lover, friend and confidante throughout it.
- Jay G
🧡 I learnt through failed relationships that actually I wasn’t selfish enough.
- Anonymous
🧡 Looking back, I wish I knew that being queer doesn't make love/sex any less beautiful or sacred. That having gay sex isn’t bad. God isn’t going to smite me. It’s something that should be celebrated!
- Vic
🧡 It’s 4x better the second time. A body is like a temperamental clutch, you need a lap to understand what works best for it.
- Rohan Dhir, founder
I feel like I need to add here that I needed to put this through ChatGPT to understand it because I thought he was talking about a handbag! I’ve been cackling ever since.
🧡 I really wish I’d known that sex is a shared experience and not a performance. I don’t mean performance in the sense of performing like a sex worker but more that it isn’t a performance of gender identity or of expectation or even of climax. Even if it’s messy and not sexy, it can still be a great shared experience.
- Kavita
🧡 I wish I'd known that vagina isn't the term for the whole thing.
- Anonymous
🧡 I wish I’d known: • Confidence and competence are the greatest aphrodisiacs. There’s nothing sexier than someone who is confident in their abilities and skillset — whatever that is. • Stop faking it. You’re only doing yourself —and, frankly, your partner — a disservice. • Sex should make you feel something: pleasure, sexy, fun! It’s okay to laugh or to cry or to just get off. As long as it’s safe and consensual, enjoy it!
- Anonymous
🧡 Love: heartbreak is a way to feel fully alive. It’s not the end of the world. 🙂 Sex: It’s going to be amazing and I am going to love going down on someone! There’s no need to wait or put too much pressure on yourself. Everyone is trying to figure this shit out 😂 (I lost my virginity at 23!)
🧡 Sex does not have the same smooooth transitions as porn. There are many convoluted and complex body positions. Also, 70% ish of all women never orgasm from penetration alone — how were we not taught this!?
- Nikita
🧡 South Asian women generally didn’t have a clue about vibrators, female masturbation, and didn’t really talk about it. You’ll figure it out.
- Anonymous
🧡 1) All you need is confidence 2) The past doesn't dictate the future - Anuj
🧡 I wish I knew just how simplistic of creatures men are. It would have been super liberating.
- Anonymous VC partner
🧡 One thing I wish I’d known at 21 is that it's OK to take your time to decode your emotional responses to heart break, infatuation and all the feels you might encounter. My early 20s felt so pivotal to exploring love and relationships and following the ‘norms’. But it's absolutely fine to also sit with your emotions and not rush into things. - Dama
🧡 I wish I had known that love isn't about someone choosing me or validating me but it is about me loving me and validating me.
- Joy
🧡 I wish I was more confident and I wish I’d talked to my girlfriends more about orgasms and pleasurable sex in general.
- Alicia
What do you wish you’d known? Let me know in the comments.
