Is this appropriate?

At the intersection of faith, sexuality and the concept of appropriateness.

Happy Friday! 

Thank you for all the feedback so far. It’s been amazing to get messages from people saying they’ve read it, discussed it with their partner or shared it with friends.

As I said last week, as well as interviews with others, I also want a space to share my own thoughts so this is my personal piece day (yay!). It’s a short one and, at the end of it, you’ll also find some things I’ve loved over the last few weeks. 

The concept of appropriateness

A few days ago, I was in London strolling down the north bank of the river when I remembered I needed to take a quick Brown Bodies related call. The Wren café was near (ish) so I quick marched on over and dove in just in time.

If you’ve never been to The Wren, let me describe it for you: It’s a working church — complete with keyboard, tinted windows and books about the joys of Jesus — that, for some reason, has a hipster café inside, complete with ‘artisan drinks and gourmet snacks’ (according to its website), that doubles up as a coworking space for city workers. 

I wasn’t joking about the windows

I picked up the call and whipped my head around to see who could potentially hear me. I dropped my voice to almost a whisper. I tried not to use the word sex…on a call about a sex focused publication. When I hung up, my partner walked over to give me a kiss and I swerved him like an F1 driver avoiding a pothole:
“Stop! We’re in a church!”
“But it’s a café!” he replies, exasperatedly.

It finally clicked. So that’s why I’d felt uncomfortable on the call. But why did it feel so wrong to talk about sex in a church? It’s not the first time I’ve felt this. As my sister and I left Friday prayers a couple of weeks ago, for example, I was telling her about a conversation I was having with a woman who has dedicated her life to studying the Kama Sutra — she gently asked me to hold that chat until we were back home.

Sex is a topic of conversation in places of worship but it is mostly confined to sermons about virgin births and abstinence (side note: I once heard an Imam preach women’s rights to pleasure and the discomfort was palpable — I’m actually planning on interviewing him for a future edition. Watch this space). Anything else feels inappropriate. But why?

What does appropriate really mean?

Appropriate

adjective

/əˈprəʊprɪət/

Definition: suitable or proper in the circumstances.

When something is deemed appropriate, it means it is suitable or acceptable in relation to the circumstances at hand. Appropriateness defines our every interaction.

But who decides what is appropriate?

What we consider appropriate is often shaped by social norms, guided by values that are determined by a shared culture and/or faith. At work, what is appropriate is normally dictated to you in a clear set of guidelines. Sometimes, what we deem appropriate is just an assumption based on previous learning or picking up signals from the people around us. But at times, is appropriateness just shame in disguise?

The implications of our perception of appropriateness when it comes to candid conversations about sex within faith led spaces go far and they go deep. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to start Brown Bodies: To investigate the incongruities of my own relationship with both faith and sex. So, appropriateness is something we're going to explore lots in upcoming issues — both with experts like religious scholars and psychologists and with ‘normal’ people.

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Here are a few things I’ve been loving this week

1. Lust Stories 2. In 2018, four Indian directors came together to create four short films that explored the concept of sex in modern day India. It must have done decently (I haven’t seen it yet!) because a second instalment just hit Netflix. The two hour production is split into four short stories — I’m not quite sure why it wasn’t released as four separate episodes? — each delving into a new set of characters with different viewpoints. My favourite of the three I’ve watched so far is the second one which explores class and desire. Have a watch and then let me know what you think? Really keen to discuss. It’s in Hindi but you can watch it with English subtitles or dubbed.
   

2. Painful sex. It’s a topic that is often stigmatised and not spoken about. South Asian women aren’t getting diagnosed — it also doesn’t help that women of colour are underrepresented in studies (you need to be a paying member of The Juggernaut to read this one).
   

3. What happens when sextech listens to women. Sexual health brand Hanx recently launched a new product — a cute and powerful vibrator called the Cindy which was created by a gynaecologist alongside Hanx’ customers. I’m truly impressed by how much the community was involved to get this right — you can read more about it here. It’s suitable for the sensitive babes as it’s made from medical-grade, hypoallergenic silicone. I was lucky enough to be gifted one and it’s excellent. If you’re a paying subscriber, scroll down to get 25% off the Cindy and other Hanx products.

   (NB: I’m a teeny tiny investor in Hanx. I honestly love what they’re trying to build in the sexual wellness space. I will never recommend anything I don’t believe in.)